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Saturday, 20 September 2008

Finding a place where your voice is always heard...

Finding a place where your voice is always heard is a really hard thing to do, especially as a teenager in todays world. It seems like you'll never find it, and most of the time it's because we just run from home..Which is where we can all really speak up. This all sounds so cheesy especially coming from a teenage girl.
Strange right?
I don't know, I have just been realizing more and more lately that as I 'grow up' and such things like that I want more and more to do with the place I have been running from my entire life. My home. I have never felt like I could be me or speak up or out at my house, I don't know why I'm sure it's me not them but you know, the more I should be seperating I seem to be getting closer to them. My family I mean.
It's strange to grow up and realize I need them more now than ever, my parents that is, you'd think it'd be the opposite really.
I guess when we are younger we don't realize how much we truly need them there holding our hands. It's strange to go to my mom after all of these years blocking her out and hug and tell her "I neeed you, please help"..It feel so weird yet right all at the same time. Who would think right?? I don't know what the deal is with me, maybe I am growing up backwards, or maybe I'm just, actually growing up enough to realize mabe, I am still just a kid. Or maybe all together, everyone does this at my age..
I guess I'll never know..

And I guess my point here is that no matter how old you are you can always tell your parents you love them, and that you need them to hold your hands sometimes..Or ask for help standing back up..Maybe it'll take a pregnancy or lost game, maybe an injury for you to realize this..

It took me several things to realize this..

One being my voice..
Or medical..
Or maybe even a couple tears and someone else telling me I needed her.

Either way, I fell down and I fell hard. BUT my mom's hand was extended to me the entire time. ANd now I know she'll always be there to extend a hand..
And I love her for it, I guess finding a hero comes in allways shapes and forms. Mine came in a doctor's room, ya it was all of the above. And my doctor suggested I open up to her, tell her the truth. I think by lletting her help me up, I found a knew hero and a whole new level to stand up to..Probably fall off of, but again I know she'll be ther to help me up yet again.

So go talk to your mom, give her a hug, your dad and siblings too. And realize that friends will come and go, sports will too..BUt the people you love, who love you back will always be there hand extended smiling no matter what.

So as always, in reality..Love really IS blind..So close your eyes open your mind and heart and let it find you.
It'll happen..

<3

It always does.

Much love.
Peace<3

Thursday, 18 September 2008

Cinderella Story...

Cinderella..The Disney princess. She had the perfect romance and love and the purest life..What about us? Real people, real lives and real problems..What about us? The people who dream of that forever then realize..It isn't real.
I grew up like any little girl watching the Disney princess' and dreaming to one day have that love. But now, I'm a 15 year old girl, and honestly, I don't believe it exists.
However, I do believe in love. I do love my boyfriend, whom I've mentioned before. I love him in every sense of the word towards every sense of his being. He is amazing. LIke I stated, real people don't get Cinderella's dream story, but we can get something real..Something amazing..Something alot like love. Something that is defined as so many different things, because truly it is so many emotions, so many scary unbelievable different amazing emotions. It hits every nerve, every sensor, every brain cell, every single hair on your arms.
I am a 15 year old girl, who has made mistakes and been unfair to people I love.I have been selfish since the school started it's second week. I have passed over everyone's feelings and stomped every toe in sight.
I am also a 15 yeAr old girl who is in love, lost, lonely, and scared. I can't try to explain what love means for everyone, but here is what it is to me.

Love is starting out unique and thinking that this will never be what it should. It's being in new territory and not knowing what's up or down but knowing how amazing you feel when they knock on your door. It's driving over 90 minutes a day to see someone. Doing things over and over and over just to see them. It's lying to your parents to sneak out, driving in the dark and getting lost trying to find them so you can cuddle for a couple hours on the couch watching a retarded movie. It's staying up on the phone all night just so that you can hear their voice. It's arguing over little things, and playing around in a ball field at night. It's getting grounded and still knowing that they'll be there to meet you same time as always. It's being there when someone is crying, holding them when they are sick, rubbing their back for almost an hour past your fingers going numb because they had a rough day..It's being scared to lose them, and getting jealous so easily. It's never knowing whats around the bend or who will win the next "fight" you started just so you could make up. It is running away and hiding in a tree, then crying as you both look in each other's eyes and explain you've fallen for each other more than you thought possible for your age. It is confusing hard annoying painful amazing tearfilled tear inducing scary real joyful. Being in love takes work, sometimes, and courage always. It takes alot to stay sure that this won't hurt you. It is making mistakes and forgiving the other person fro theirs as they do you for yours..It is unconditional, limitless, boundless, age defying..It is what it is to each individual. I will never know Cinderella's, or my mom's, or even a good friends. BUT I do know mine. I know what it feels like to be loved and I know how it truly is to love someone.
No matter how much we fight or how confusing this all gets, I know how I feel..And no matter what the situation I can't change that..NOr do I want to..
Yes I get scared, yes I get nervous, and obviously I get a little jealous sometimes..But no matter what emotion I feel it all comes down to this.

I am not Cinderella. Or any form of a princess. I am a 15 year old girl. I am head over heals for my boyfriend. I do not know what is around the next corner, but I do know what lies right at me feet in this path. And I do know that no matter what I love him. Nothing anyone says can change that. I have made mistakes, and dear God all my hope and prayer goes to this being forgiven...

But as I said no matter what I.LOVE.SPENCER. Not a damned thing can change that.

Not one.

Tuesday, 16 September 2008

Hey everyone, I'm Mandii. And I guess I'll share some things about me so we can move on and start with the well the good stuff, like writing.

I'm 15, almost 16. And a junior in a pretty amazing school. The people here are great, and I've had the pleasure to befriend the best people on earth. Later I'll name some for you. Classes are going pretty well, and hm, I guess socially I can't complain much. However, I will mention now that I am a cheerleader, so if that bugs you feel free to leave.

I don't like to judge people until I know them, even then I feel bad placing judgment cause I haven't ever been them. But I do it, as do most normal teens. I can be blunt, and a bit bitchy, but I don't take to be labeled or being called a bitch very well. Feel free if you can justify your words though. I'm open minded and love to write, you'll see poems and songs I've written and some lyrics that I've posted that mean something to me.

I get emotional, so you'll things posted such as *sighs* , *screams* , *cries* ...ETC... written throughout, I do it when I text too.

I'm a cool kid , and a good friend. I like to listen and love giving advice. I sound cocky at times, and sometimes I mean to sound overly confident...But honestly I'm just your average teenage girl..I'm not very much. I am where I deserve but I'm not where I don't. I get excited and happy easily, but with that comes me setting myself up to get put down or hurt. I put others first, except for occasions(like this past Saturday) where I realize I'm wrong and feel horribly horribly about it!

I have a boyfriend, and yes he's a miracle. He's helped me so much in life and I can't help but feel like shit when I hurt him! I have seen him let me in, and I've definitely let him in. He has helped me through some major stuff, and I try and be there for him. He is a blessing and a guardian angel. We have our moments and definitely have moments of pure anger but no matter what i love him. Everything about him. There is no other way to say it. No matter what he does or says or anything anyone else does or says, I love him.

Not much else to say except a few random things, so I'll spit those out then we can start.!

Favorites:
The color white, Italian food, saucy things, pasta and pizza! I love people, and being in front of a crowd performing,I love good movies and cuddling is an obsession. My family, and friends, simple things and brain teasers, writing singing and poetry! I love the people I love, and enjoy standing up for them, I'll fight til my body spontaneously combusts if that's what it takes to defend you or get across a point. I like reading, yes I like to read, nerd?? Mmm, I wish I was that cool but no, I give in to trends to easily. I love accents and foreign languages.I like learning the past, history in school. My favorite teacher is Hazen, he's such a goof it's hard not to learn in his class! Soda, I dont drink much anymore BUT I'd have to say cherry pepsi or cherry coke. I loooooove cuddling and hugs, have I mentioned that?? Hmm, I have, o well it's doubly true. I like gatorade, and really like water. I like to run, and love to play around. I love being around children and animals. And people who get along with them make my day!

Hm ok, that's good for now. Any questions ask! I'll answer for sure.

I think I'll stop for now, but be back in about an hour, then I'll post more about things like poems I've done and deep musings and thoughts!

As always in reality, life sometimes is too much to bear...But we need to pull any strength from our core we can and push it forward with everything we have...My mom told me that..

LOVE xo <3
Hi everyone! I'm just getting started on Xanga... Drop me a comment if you've got some ideas on what to do first - or just to say, "Hi!" :-)